


If I Should Learn

by musigneus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Pre-Het
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-16
Updated: 2011-04-16
Packaged: 2017-10-18 04:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/185276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musigneus/pseuds/musigneus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tonks learns more about Snape than she anticipated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Should Learn

**Author's Note:**

> Written before HBP and DH. Many thanks to cordelia_v for betaing. Based on the following sonnet by Edna St. Vincent Millay.
> 
>  **Sonnet V**  
>  If I should learn, in some quite casual way,  
> That you were gone, not to return again—  
> Read from the back-page of a paper, say,  
> Held by a neighbor in a subway train,  
> How at the corner of this avenue  
> And such a street (so are the papers filled)  
> A hurrying man—who happened to be you—  
> At noon to-day had happened to be killed,  
> I should not cry aloud—I could not cry  
> Aloud, or wring my hands in such a place—  
> I should but watch the station lights rush by  
> With a more careful interest on my face,  
> Or raise my eyes and read with greater care  
> Where to store furs and how to treat the hair.

Nymphadora Tonks was really quite bored. Watching her fellow passengers on the Knight Bus had provided a few minutes of amusement, but now, other than keeping her antiquated, wobbly chair from tipping over every time the bus jumped, there was nothing to engage her interest other than counting raindrops as they slid down the window.

Her quarry was _sleeping_ , ensconced in the comfortable armchair he'd slid into at their last stop, ignoring the furious muttering of the elderly little witch who had been headed for it first. Tonks couldn't sleep - she was supposed to be watching him.

She felt a moment's pride at the neat way she had managed to follow him onto the bus; she had managed to overhear him giving his destination to the conductor, and she had simply Apparated to a little town nearby, changed her appearance, and called the bus herself, giving the same destination and hoping he'd still be on it. And he had been.

Of course, that was the most excitement she'd had all week, and the most she was likely to have until she retired if this guy didn't _do_ something. He was an unpleasant bastard, certainly. Maybe he was a Death Eater sympathizer and maybe he wasn't - she almost hoped he was, because if he wasn't she'd never be able to prove it by watching him do nothing, and she'd be following him forever.

That line of thinking reminded her inevitably of Mad-Eye, and then of Snape. Mad-Eye had never been convinced that Snape wasn't a loyal Death Eater, or at best only out for himself.

She clutched her chair as the bus lurched forward - Merlin, could anyone _really_ sleep that soundly? - and remembered what _she_ used to think of Snape...

~*~

 _She and Harry were in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place. He had just arrived, at the end of the summer after the fight in the Department of Mysteries. Poor kid - he looked so pale and tired, and his eyes kept wandering around the house as if he were hoping Sirius would somehow suddenly appear. There wasn't really anything she could say to help, but when he asked about Snape, she could at least answer him._

 _"No, I'm not like Mad-Eye - spots that don't come off and all that. I don't think Snape's going to poison us all, first chance he gets. Dumbledore trusts him, you know, so I suppose I_ ought _to..."_

 _Harry snorted._

 _"And he does do very useful - and risky - work for us. I just..." She hesitated, but realized Harry was about the last person to be shocked at what she wanted to say. "I've cleaned up after too many Death Eaters to completely trust someone who ever_ wanted _to join them. Even if he did change his mind..."_

 _Harry grimaced and glanced past her, and she saw his eyes widen suddenly. Her stomach sank, but whether it was at the realization of who must be behind her or at the sudden look of hatred that sat so poorly on Harry's face, she wasn’t sure._

 _She closed her eyes. It never worked, but it was worth a try..._

 _She opened them - still in the kitchen, with a very angry boy. Nope, didn't work. Snape must still be behind her. She turned slowly, a rather sickly smile pasted on her lips, only to see Snape's back as he stalked away._

 _"Ah..."_

 _"Sorry, Tonks," Harry said, the loathing draining away to leave only an exhausted teenager, clutching a cup of cold tea._

 _"Who's the Auror, then?” she said as lightly as she could manage, squeezing his shoulder gently on her way out. Better get it over with now..._

 _She caught Snape with his hand already on the front door. "Snape... Professor Snape, stop!"_

 _He turned with a sneer. "I do not believe I am accountable to you for my movements. Unless you are invoking the privilege of your rank,_ Auror _Tonks?"_

 _She blinked. "Er, no. I'm trying to apologize!"_

 _His eyes seemed to look directly through her before his posture relaxed infinitesimally. "Do not flatter yourself. It was hardly a novel opinion," he said, turning to open the door._

 _She realized, for the first time, that he looked even more exhausted than Harry._

 _"Er, did you at least hear the useful work part too?" she blurted, then winced. Way to go, Tonks. He was about to leave. D’you_ want _to give him another chance to yell at you since he passed up the first one?_

 _A curt nod, and he was gone._

 _Tonks sagged against the wall with a sigh. Well. Maybe she could just avoid Snape for a while. Like, about ninety years..._

 _It was just her foul luck to be paired with him for surveillance a few nights later. Usually she would have been teamed with Kingsley, but he was still in St. Mungo's. She didn't think Snape even did this sort of work, normally, but the Order was shorthanded - and Mad-Eye said he trusted her to keep an eye on Snape. In front of the man himself, of course._

 _After two hours of uncomfortable silence, Tonks was hungry, bored stiff, and desperate to pee. If she were with Kingsley, one of them would go for take-away about now, but she couldn't imagine sending_ Snape _in to order Muggle food, and that was all that was nearby. And she could just imagine what Mad-Eye would say if she left Snape on duty alone, although she was certain Mad-Eye had put them where he thought it least likely for anything to happen, since this was Snape. And of course Snape wouldn't have made any plans based on her not watching him, so maybe it would be all right if..._

 _Bugger. Her head hurt._

 _"Miss Tonks. This interminable and utterly pointless wait would be marginally more tolerable if you would cease sighing and fidgeting relentlessly," Snape snarled._

 _"Could you stop calling me ‘Miss Tonks’?” she snapped. "It makes me feel like I'm twelve years old, waiting for you to take ten points from Gryffindor for breaking something in Potions class."_

 _Snape was momentarily taken aback, but he recovered quickly. "As you wish,_ Nymphadora _."_

 _Tonks scowled at that hated name, then burst into reluctant laughter. "You are an odious man, Professor Snape."_

 _He smirked. "Indeed. Miss Tonks."_

 _In the end, it was her need to pee that decided the issue. Climbing to her feet, she asked, "Do you like Chinese?"_

 _Snape was instantly wary. "Chinese_ what _?"_

 _Tonks snorted. "Right. Back in a few minutes. I hope you like nuts, at least."_

 _She guessed that he meant for her to hear him mutter "You'd best hope so..." as she left in search of dinner._

~*~

BANG! The bus jumped again, and her chair toppled over. Tonks picked herself up, glaring at the hapless wizard whose parcel she had squashed when she landed on it, and plopped back into her seat. Her quarry showed no signs of waking up, so she returned to her thoughts.

~*~

 _Severus Snape, the bane of Hogwarts - she didn't think he could ever again seem as intimidating as he used to, now that she had watched him trying to eat with chopsticks out of a box balanced in his lap. He had picked up their use quickly enough to manage the chicken and cashews, but the rice... He glowered at every dropped grain like it was a Gryffindor out after curfew._

 _Smothering a grin, she tossed him an egg roll._

 _He eyed it suspiciously. "What's in this?"_

 _She shrugged. "Who cares?” She dunked hers in plum sauce and began crunching happily, fighting down a giggle as she watched him break his into neat halves, then poke fastidiously at its innards with his chopsticks. "You'll drink armadillo bile and sliced caterpillars in potions, but you're afraid to try...er...bean sprouts and pork?” she said incredulously._

 _Snape glared._

 _"Fine," she said, determined to keep a straight face. "Your treat next time. D’you like curry?"_

 _"No."_

 _"We'll have pizza, then."_

 _"Miss Tonks. Although I am unfamiliar with the niceties of_ treating _, judging by your example of tonight, the one chosen to treat chooses the meal. We shall have this Chinese again - if we are so unfortunate as to be forced to spend another wretched night in each other's company, watching a building in which nothing is occurring."_

 _"First rule of MLE; there's no substitute for old-fashioned human observation of suspects or premises," she muttered._

 _Snape grimaced, and reached for the plum sauce._

 _She spilled it all down his arm while trying to hand it over, but he was surprisingly gracious - or resigned - about cleaning it off his robes._

~*~

BANG. When the bus jumped this time, Tonks managed to keep her chair upright, although it scooted several feet along the floor.

~*~

 _She worked with Snape fairly often after that. Shared danger and nights of boredom and take-away dinners made her feel almost comfortable around him. He would never be kind, but he was clever and self-controlled and predictable - or so she thought, until she arrived at a burning shop in time to see a dead child and a group of Death Eaters Apparating away, the Dark Mark hanging malevolently overhead._

 _She had spent too many nights watching Snape to not recognize the way he stood and moved - she knew it was him, masked or not, by the way he whirled to face the arriving Aurors, and the way he held his wand in the split second before he vanished ahead of a flurry of anti-Apparition jinxes._

 _She stormed into the dungeons of Hogwarts without considering that she probably ought not be there. She let the door of his classroom slam shut behind her, but fortunately she was not too angry to remember to charm the place against eavesdroppers._

 _"What were you doing there?” she demanded._

 _Snape's eyes were hard and dark in his harsh face. "What do you think?"_

 _"I think there was a dead child in the street! A_ child _! I trusted you - I even almost started to_ like _you! But you're exactly the sort of scum Mad-Eye claims. You-"_

 _"Just because we are quite casual acquaintances, you should not presume to judge me, Miss Tonks!” he hissed venomously. He took a single step toward her, narrowed eyes glinting. "I thought you were an Auror - but you're nothing but a naïve little fool. Did you think the Dark Lord took me back because I fell at his feet and offered him my abject apologies and profound devotion?”_

 _His thin lips twisted as his voice rose. “He spared me so I could be useful to_ him _. I live to spy for Albus only as long as I carry useful information to the Dark Lord." His fingers clenched, whitening into a fist around the neck of the flask he was holding. "That girl is dead because_ I _told the Dark Lord today was the time to strike where he desired, and she got in the way! As for you - you go back to your office, and keep your hands clean like the rest of-"_

 _They both pivoted to face the door as it opened to admit Dumbledore, who said firmly, "Nymphadora. It is time for you to go." His eyes were tired and sad behind his spectacles, and Tonks suddenly didn't like him very much. But she went._

 _The sound of shattering glass followed her out._

 _There was a meeting of the Order that night. Tonks arrived in time to hear Mad-Eye say, "... exactly what you're supposed to warn us about, Snape."_

 _"I can hardly be expected to prevent every minor Death Eater attack, Moody," Snape said coldly._

 _"Minor! Do you think that little girl's parents call it_ minor _?” Mad-Eye snarled._

 _"Two casualties hardly qualifies it as major, do they, Moody? Although of course I understand why you are upset - had the Aurors arrived in a more timely manner, they might have foiled the attack," Snape said silkily. "But that is hardly your fault; after all, I'm certain you trained them to the best of your abilities, before you retired and left the defense of innocent children to others." His lip curled in triumph at Mad-Eye’s angry growl._

 _Tonks watched them bicker, finding it hard to believe that the man coolly sparring with Mad-Eye was the same man she had left screaming at the Headmaster and throwing jars against the wall a few hours ago._

 _Mad-Eye thought Snape didn't care, but he obviously did. And surely Dumbledore had known what was going to happen to that shopkeeper when Snape passed his information to Voldemort? Snape had certainly known - but he had done it anyway._

 _She knew something about Snape - and Dumbledore - that Mad-Eye didn't. Or maybe Mad-Eye_ did _know and it was why he disliked Snape so much... On the whole, she thought she'd rather not have known either, but she did._

 _Mad-Eye had worked up to the spots that don't come off part of his tirade by the time she'd had enough and broke in. "Mad-Eye, Snape didn't want that kid dead any more than we did. So d’you think we could just start the meeting?"_

 _Snape slipped away when Mad-Eye turned on her. Later, he caught her in the corridor and mocked her defense of him. "Gallant, but inept and foolish. You will never convince Moody that I am anything other than a murdering opportunist; you will only convince him that I have influenced you such that_ you _can not be trusted," he said acidly._

 _She flushed, wondering if Snape knew Mad-Eye had already field-tested her for a variety of compulsion charms and mind-altering potions and muttered about doing a more thorough job later..._

~*~

BANG! The bus lurched forward, and Tonks steadied her chair and glanced at the window, where her suspect's reflection was clear against the darkening sky outside. He blinked a few times and looked around the bus, then settled back to sleep.

She suppressed a sigh. She just hoped the bus got to their stop before it got late enough that the beds came out. She hated those beds.

Had she really only seen Snape twice since then? Yes, once right before and once right after Harry fought Voldemort...

~*~

 _Snape arrived drained and shaking and ran straight into Mad-Eye, who insisted on confirming his information first - he looked past Mad-Eye and found her, desperate appeal in his eyes._

 _She slipped out and rounded up the Order members who were around and took them where Snape had said, and they were in time. And although Mad-Eye certainly said plenty about that afterward, there was only so much he could say about her foolishness in trusting Snape when it had helped Harry win._

~*~

The Knight Bus screeched to a halt, and a plump, middle-aged witch climbed on board. As she made her way down the length of the bus, Tonks remembered the last time she'd seen Snape.

~*~

 _After the battle, after Mad-Eye had chewed her out - Snape greeted her with a nod in passing, and on impulse, she said, "My turn to treat."_

 _Snape looked her over - had he been anyone other than Severus Snape, she would have said he was checking her out - before he said, "That would not be prudent."_

 _"Hey, we won. You're not still on about that, are you?" She remembered quite well his response one evening when she had asked what his plans were for after the war was over. He had said it would be foolish for him to make any such plans, and pointless besides - he would always be a marked man. A traitor at worst, an opportunist whose duplicity went unpunished at best. An inconvenience, to both sides. But they had just won, and he had helped - surely he didn’t still think of himself as some kind of pariah?_

 _Evidently he did, because he scowled and said, "People never forget," and turned away._

 _To his retreating back, she called, "That wasn't a no!"_

 _He hesitated, and she grinned at his brief huff of surprised laughter before he walked off, shaking his head._

~*~

The witch fell into the chair across from Tonks as the bus suddenly swayed sideways. She straightened her hat, then pulled a copy of the _Evening Prophet_ from her bag.

Yes - something to do! Tonks ignored the woman's disapproving glare and craned her neck until she could see the front page.

The headline screamed "Death in Diagon Alley!", and the first line made her eyes widen.

 _Professor Severus Snape of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was killed this afternoon while shopping in Diagon Alley..._

Disjointed phrases swam before her eyes.

 _...last-minute visit to buy supplies for the autumn term, which begins tomorrow..._

 _... reported to have played a role in the destruction of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but also widely rumored to be one of his followers..._

 _...death has been ruled accidental..._

A bitter voice echoed in her mind. "An inconvenience, to both sides."

 _...no investigation deemed necessary..._

Like hell. There damned well _would_ be an investigation, even if it was only by one off-duty Auror.

Her eyes burned, but the person she was being would not burst into tears for no reason - so she merely turned her attention to the back page of the _Prophet_ , where an advertisement for Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover proudly proclaimed that it could remove any stain.

But Tonks knew better - some spots never come off.

She kept her eyes fixed firmly on the paper until the conductor called their stop, then she got up and followed her quarry off the bus and into the night.


End file.
